faith – Bethany Leger

I Forgot I Had a Sister-in-Law

This isn’t really about my sister-in-law. It’s also not clickbait. Until a month ago, I literally forgot she existed.

The last time I saw her, she was wearing a wedding dress and exchanging vows with my brother. That was almost ten years ago. They settled on a small reception at a friend’s house. Guests drank champagne in a living room that looked like it was decorated by Laura Ashley herself, while I excused myself to sneak shots of tequila I had stashed in the fridge behind a fruit tray. They cut the cake (I didn’t eat it.) The majority of the time I hid in the kitchen, pacing in front of the fridge like I was guarding a moat. “Is something wrong with you?” my mother asked under her breath, not so much out of concern, but irritation. “I’m just tired.” Only, I had a sneaking suspicion this was the last time I would see any of them ever again.

Being raised as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I was very lonely. That’s not the case for everyone. Some come from large families. Even if they, too, are indoctrinated from birth, they still have siblings to play with. They have cousins in the neighborhood, and Grandma lives two blocks down. My father’s side of the family were “believers”, but may as well have not existed. They lived a few hours away in West Texas and made their one token visit in the eighties (frankly, I think it was an aberration.) My mother’s family were New Yorkers, none of them Jehovah’s Witnesses, and the ones who were lived on the other side of the Atlantic and talked shit about us in German at the dinner table.

What does this have to do with my sister-in-law? I had decades of practice detaching myself from people. As one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I was taught to avoid my classmates, coworkers, and yes, even blood relatives who didn’t “serve Jehovah.” That left me with a small pool of forced associates at the Kingdom Hall, and an estranged brother whose neck I would hug for the last time on his wedding day. I don’t blame him. It couldn’t have been easy being a 16 year-old guy with a sister in kindergarten. The age gap didn’t help, but the Jehovah’s Witnesses managed to drive the final wedge between us, removing what little semblance of normalcy I had always longed for.

My hunch was correct. I never saw them again, because I flew back to North Carolina, realized I was in a cult, and left shortly after. This is not what I want. No one wants this. But these are the rules: you leave, you’re dead. My brother’s wedding day was the last time I saw my mother, eyes bloodshot from orchestrating the day’s festivities, but relieved the wet blanket was going. I said goodbye to my father, stomach rotund and content. And, I said my final goodbye to my sister-in-law, beaming and beautiful on her big day. I can’t save her now.

Painter, Pianist, Persona Non-Grata

My father is a pianist. He plucks each key with care and precision, and could tune a Steinway using only his sense of smell. I don’t play piano, but I’ve enjoyed painting for over fifteen years. I may not boast a sprawling loft in Soho, but as a fun hobby, it helps scratch the itch.

I inherited my father’s creative streak. Unfortunately, my father is also a devout Jehovah’s Witness, and the same proclivities that make him such a talented musician and craftsman are the same qualities the Organization has found a way to exploit. In the name of faith, my father has put the same sweat and toil he puts into his piano business into working for people who tell him he can’t speak to me.

My mother and I have a complicated relationship. It’s a mother-daughter thing. But my father was simple: he bought me the junk cereal I wasn’t supposed to eat, and when asked if I wanted to see Babe, a movie about a talking pig, or Clueless, he laughed his ass off watching a bunch of teenagers make stupid decisions. “How could you take her to see that?” My mother was not amused. As if!

My father has been an elder in the Jehovah’s Witnesses for over fifty years. These are the pastors or priests of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, church officials responsible for leading the congregation. Since the Organization doesn’t have paid clergy, my father has devoted decades of his life to this role without receiving a penny. My father has inspired people, and at times, been thrown under the bus by his own cohorts when he followed his conscience rather than the consensus. I can respect his hard work and ethical compass. But, I also wish I could just watch my dad play the piano.

My father made the “choice” to dedicate himself to the Organization at 10 years old. Before my father hit puberty, he committed himself to a religious ideology that would slowly strip him of his humanity, and drive a wedge between him and his only daughter. When I told my father I was revoking my membership from the Jehovah’s Witnesses, he made it clear that he would “remain loyal to Jehovah and His earthly organization.” His response was immediate and rote, like turning on your blinker at a stoplight. And just like that, our relationship came to a screeching halt. No more Chopin. No more Rustle of Spring filling the house while my mother cooks. Well, maybe so. I just won’t be there to hear it.

Maybe I wasn’t meant to have my parents forever. Maybe my mother was supposed to feed me, clothe me, and give me a strong voice. Maybe my father passed down some artistic gene that would make me appreciate the visual arts, a skill that would help me get through strange and difficult times. Whatever the magical reason is for why this all happened, I no longer use art as a diversion; an escape from the brewing tension in my brain. I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not just to make others comfortable. And that’s music to my ears. Thanks, Pop.

Eat Sh*t and Die: How My Mother Explained Christmas

The holidays were in full swing as my teacher strolled up and down each aisle complimenting a bunch of first graders on their crappy construction paper Christmas trees. As one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I wasn’t allowed to celebrate Christmas, so I clumped a handful of cotton balls into the shape of a snowman. A borderline heretic, I then slipped my glue-encrusted fingers through a random pair of craft scissors and carved out the shape of an Evergreen. “Aren’t you going to decorate your tree?”, asked Ms. Ridinger, hovered over my desk. No, I responded, instantly riddled with guilt. I just want to admire its natural beauty.

If I ever see a child sitting in the mulch on a sunny day, and this child tells me they don’t want to swing on the swing, or slide down the slide, they ‘just want to admire the architecture’, I’m going to hunt his mother for meat. It’s not that I’m against a budding Frank Lloyd Wright, or even a future horticulturalist. But, a child’s instinct is to play and explore, and my teacher was entirely justified in the silent eye-roll I guarantee she did in her heart. Who the hell are this kid’s parents, and why don’t Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrate Christmas?

After bringing my bare, not-Christmas tree home, my mother sat me down to explain why we refrain from engaging in the festivities. She placed a glass of water in front of me. “Look at this clean glass of water,” she said. “Now, imagine I put a teensy, weensy drop of poop in it.” I waited for the inevitable punchline that was going to teach me why I can’t have a normal childhood. “Most of the water looks clean, but that one little drop contaminated the whole glass.” Christmas might look beautiful and harmless with its twinkle lights and presents, she reasoned, but its origins are tainted by pagan traditions.

The Jehovah’s Witnesses are technically not wrong about Christmas. The Romans co-opted Christ’s birth as an excuse to get wasted during the winter solstice, and today, we watch Will Ferrell on December 25^th while exchanging material goods we most likely don’t need. And, if our recent decade of marinating in extreme political correctness taught us anything, it’s that you’ll be put before a firing squad before you brazenly assume someone celebrates Christmas, as opposed to Hanukkah or Ramadan, or worships their garden gnome. But, there’s a problem with my mother’s logic. When I performed this same purity test to trace the origins of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, I found my fair share of shit: thousands of cases of child sexual abuse that were never reported to law enforcement. Charles Taze Russell’s fascination with the occult. The Watchtower Organization’s ties to the United Nations. The fact that the Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrated Christmas even after claiming they were cleansed from pagan practices in 1919*. The math wasn’t mathing.

“Would you want to drink the water after you knew poop was in it? Eww,” she made a yucky face, satisfied with her argument but blind to her own hypocrisy. I could ask my mother the same question. Would you want to align yourself with a group that has sketchy roots and a history of systematically abusing the most innocent among you? “If we don’t stay faithful to Jehovah,” she warned, “we could lose our life.”

Drink up, Ma. I have a tree to decorate.

*For more info about Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrating Christmas, check out JWFacts.

Disfellowshipped: The First Time I Talked to a Dead Guy

He wore a tan suit that looked like it came off the clearance rack at JCPenney. When he didn’t respond, I poked him again in the shoulder. “Hey, it’s me!” I waved my magic marker-stained hand in front of his face. But, his gaze fell downward, blank. I backed away slowly and shuffled over to my mother who was seated on the opposite side of the room. “Mama,” I whispered. “I said hi to Jamal but he didn’t talk to me.” My mother, draped in her auburn scarves and garnet earrings, craned her neck around. I watched as her eyes tried to locate him in the crowd. Then, leaning in towards me, she lowered her voice. “He’s disfellowshipped.”

Let me break this bullshit down for you: Jamal* was 17 years old. When he was a child, he lost his father in a tragic accident. Then, his mother suffered a traumatic brain injury. Jamal was my brother’s buddy, and was one in a handful of young Jehovah’s Witness men in town. No one cared about Jamal. His mom was kooky, and his younger sister was obese. His family didn’t bring any clout—or money—to the congregation. Then, Jamal got into some trouble and was excommunicated. At 17, a fatherless boy was ostracized by the only people he knew, and left for dead.

No, Jamal was not dead, but he might as well have been. I wish this were an exaggeration, but no one would know Jamal’s whereabouts unless they smelled the body weeks later. Through the naïve eyes of a child, I couldn’t comprehend why a bunch of grown-ups would do something so cruel. Whatever Jamal did, he didn’t deserve to be ignored in a room full of people, people who were supposed to love him and have his back.

Then, it happened to my brother. Like Jamal, my brother was “dead” for two years. “How’s your brother?” they’d ask me, knowing damn well they exiled a young man. Their smirk was a knife to my seven-year-old heart, and they took me for stupid. But, the funny thing about seven-year-olds is they don’t stay seven. They get older, they remember, and sometimes, they become writers.

My parents are devout Jehovah’s Witnesses, and I’ve brought them shame for speaking out against the Organization. But if I don’t say something, I teach them that shunning is okay. The Jehovah’s Witnesses traumatized Jamal, my brother, and continue to traumatize thousands more with their inhumane shunning policy. Jamal and my brother may be grown men now, but their wounds will never heal. They were forced to hang up their skateboards, dreams, and their dignity, their memory forever ossified as Prodigal Sons who crawled their way back into God’s good graces.

By the way, I’m dead now, too. I revoked my membership from the Jehovah’s Witnesses on New Year’s Eve, 2017, because I could no longer align myself with an Organization that has ruined countless lives. However, I’m only dead to my parents and former friends. In all other respects, I’m alive and well. The sun still shines on the wicked!

If you’re reading this, and you’re currently dead, I want you to know it gets better. Yes, it’s shitty for a while, but it does get better. And, if you decide to go back, I understand. Your family has put you in an extremely difficult position. But. I hope you’re honest with yourself as to why you’re going back, because anyone who would do that to you sure as hell doesn’t love you.

If you’re dead, welcome back to life.

*Not his real name.

Resources about disfellowshipping and shunning in the Jehovah’s Witnesses:

Jehovah’s Witnesses call disfellowshipping a “loving provision”:

https://www.jw.org/en/library/magazines/w20150415/disfellowshipping-a-loving-provision/

A shunned Jehovah’s Witness mother kills her family, then herself:

https://www.freep.com/story/news/2018/05/18/keego-harbor-murder-suicide-lauren-stuart/620709002

Jehovah’s Witnesses pressure families to not communicate with disfellowshipped family members or friends:

https://www.jw.org/en/library/magazines/w20130115/let-nothing-distance-you-from-jehovah/

Check out JWFacts for more information and updates about Jehovah’s Witnesses’ shunning practices.