But, They Had Turkey On Sale: When Jehovah’s Witnesses Covertly Celebrate Thanksgiving

Jehovah’s Witnesses are discouraged from engaging in extracurricular activities at school, associating with classmates or coworkers, even from attending college. This doesn’t include the hardline rules thou shalt not break: premarital sex, recreational drugs, and holidays, to name a few. That leaves two things to look forward to: booze and food.

This is the equivalent of feeding a toddler sugar and caffeine, then putting them down for a nap; Junior’s going to unleash unmitigated chaos in the nursery. Jehovah’s Witnesses have been denied so many pleasures that once they’re behind closed doors they secretly break the rules, or they gorge on whiskey and pumpkin pie (damn, that sounds good.) And, herein lies the irony—a Jehovah’s Witness can drink and drive, get lit and terrorize their spouse, but they can’t smoke a fatty, or enjoy a turkey leg once a year without keeping the blinds drawn.

Thanksgiving was created in the 1600s after a bunch of white people took shit that didn’t belong to them, then thanked God for their successful genocide of an indigenous people. Today, Thanksgiving is a Thursday off in November where we eat, spend time with family, maybe even volunteer. But, Jehovah’s Witnesses are forbidden from celebrating holidays, so they have to go underground. The whispers start, texts are exchanged, and before you can say “Butterball”, Jehovah’s Witnesses across America are ready to throw down in the kitchen.

In a moment of lucidity, I once asked my mother, “Isn’t this basically celebrating Thanksgiving?” Every year since I could remember, my mother invited at least a dozen people to the house for T-Day dinner with all the fixings, and we were not by any stretch the only ones. Whether you were hosting, or just bringing the yams, everyone in the congregation consumed bird that day. My mother, however, shrugged off our hypocrisy: “Sure, we could do this any time of the year,” she said. “But, they had turkey on sale.” The tastiest rationalization I’ve ever heard.

Let me be clear. I have wonderful memories of Thanksgiving dinner with my Jehovah’s Witness family, because that’s exactly what it was. Saying a prayer to Jehovah to give thanks for the food and company, and adding several inches to our waistline with one meal. Of course, there will always be those few Jehovah’s Witnesses who you won’t see at the table—they’re camped outside Best Buy to get a head start.